Dual....:-)
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
