I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
