my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
