Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
