If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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