I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize