am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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