i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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