your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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