she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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