She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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