I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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