Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
