Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
