my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
