My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
