Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he thought i was a dude.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
