matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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