There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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