I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
