My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
