My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
