I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
