I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
