I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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