We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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