You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
