don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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