I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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