He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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