Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Randomize
