So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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