You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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