well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I can text with my tongue
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
