Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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