Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They have beer where we have blood.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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