Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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