Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
