then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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