he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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