just tell him i said nine months
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
