I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
