i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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