you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
