: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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