Already got asked if we're dating
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
