Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
