did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
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I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
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I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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