tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
