The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I think I just sharted jello shots
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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