Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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