I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
