That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
