Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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