She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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