It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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