I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
