I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
