I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
