how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
